Today I taught an English class for the first time. It started out great – we played a game to help us learn each others names, and it was fun. At some point though, I wanted to start reviewing the words and phrases they had already learned. I began by asking them open-ended questions – How are you? What do you like to do?
We were having a great time, until I decided to raise the bar. Just a tad, you know, because they were doing so well. I rephrased my questions, just a bit: changed a word here and there, didn’t even think it would make much of a difference. I must have overdone it, because at that exact moment, I literally saw the light leave their eyes. Their faces took on a confused look, and suddenly I remembered.
I remembered what it is like to learn a new language. I remembered how it felt to have a teacher talk to you in sounds you could never recreate, and then look at you expectantly, and you realize it’s your turn to speak, but you have no idea what the conversation is about. I remembered this situation: we are all sitting in class, I don’t understand anything, but at least I don’t look it, so nobody knows. Suddenly, all of the kids around me are standing up for some reason and I am left behind, too dumb to pick up on the command in time. I remembered the shyness that learning a new language instills in you. The fear that you might say something incredibly stupid and all the other kids will laugh. The helplessness of understanding partially, or misunderstanding, or not understanding at all.
It’s easy, as and ESL teacher, to lose yourself in an unwarranted feeling of great supremacy. It’s easy to mistake yourself for something you’re not – a savior. But to these children I am no such thing. On the contrary – I am the one putting them on the spot, making them feel uncomfortable and embarrassing them.
I’ve decided to try and remember these feelings, to cherish them. To be humble. To remind myself every morning how I would feel if I had to learn their language – helpless and awkward and small.
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